Laugh Yer Ass Off:  A surprisingly funny picture of a cat (added 27/8/06)

Funny Stories and Jokes

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.

God meets him at the gate and says: "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask."

The cat says,"Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, " Say no more." And instantly a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat.

The mice said."all our life we've had to run. We've been chased by cats,dogs, and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more."

God says, "say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says."Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the Best!"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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